XO SK : Starting Fresh
I’ve been having a hard few weeks.
For some strange reason, I find a lot of shame around losing interest or feeling low in my work. It is not lost on me how blessed I am to make a living being a professional creative. Using your gifts to provide a service to others who can’t quite see the world or communicate it like you can is not something I take lightly. Yet, here I was. Letting myself get so emotionally invested in what others thought of me that I was slowly changing to become something I simply am not. The world says it’s a simple ask of black girls but was easily and visible wearing on me.
It was becoming daunting to come in and know that I would feel judged, my own anxiety tightening it’s grip at every curious tone or weighted sigh that was held too long. So I told myself that I needed to start to look for other avenues and roads that return back to me. The me that came into this industry hungry and eager and bright eyed. Which made me ask a question I didn’t really think I’d need to ask myself. Who was that girl?
The 20-something year old creative who managed to juggle organizing projects, freelance styling gigs, auditions, furniture flipping and house cleaning just to make sure that she was available to strike while the iron was hot. The young dreamer who knew coming to Cal State Dominguez Hills would just get her miles closer to LA and it’s lime light. The ambitious middle child who saw a life so big and bright and all on her own accord that being separated and alone were never scarier than being complacent.
Somewhere while chasing this dream, I found the need to dig my heels in and settle all these eggs into one warm basket - and for good reason, too! I mean, I got married for Christ’s sake. To an angel who maybe wasn’t accustomed to skipping a meal the way I was. I’d made myself and her a promise early on that I’d do whatever it takes and if there’s anything I’m good for it’s standing on my word. So I buckled down when I opened my design firm; struck while it was hot, some might say, and I’m so glad that I did. As my company grows and I learn to delegate and see the work a bit more densely, I see so much space for so much more. So much more of me, when I was just trying to figure out how to leave some of it behind.
I told myself that I might find my way back to words and no sooner than when those few words left my mind and hit the page, did they also land on the lap of whichever ancestor promised to keep me true. And mama wrapped a bow on a gift and sent it my way. A small reminder that I am and will always be the multifaceted creative, I have always been. The last few seasons of honing and humility helped to stabilize my family and develop my business savvy. Now, I look forward to what I can fill my tiny bit of free time with that will pay the tolls on the those roads back.
Looking forward to the trip.
XO SK